[BH4] Give that Man a Beer, or, Where did that Vessel Go? (A Holidaze Trip Report)

Tom Tarka tommy at slackers.net
Tue Dec 22 21:37:26 CST 2009

So it was way back in October that a bunch of Pittsburgh hashers headed 
out to the Hillbilly hash (after the DC Red Dress run) and despite it 
sounding like a grand idea, I decided to stay in city to catch up with 
an old friend before heading back home.  Well, by all accounts I missed 
out because not only did I hear how fun the hash had been, but the party 
had been an absolute riot...

7 hours later, back in the PGH, a funny looking object (oddly resembling 
a bedpan) showed up in my house, replete with Hillbilly sticker and 
tales of people having to jump through the windows of moving cars as 
they sped off from the ON-IN in attempt to "get while the gettin' was 
good."  Thus began the cleptomanic tear of a particular PGH hasher 
intent on stealing every vessel they could get their hands on (including 
that of their own hash, although that's another story entirely). 

I think it was 3 or 4 days before anyone in the Hillbilly hash realized 
anything was amiss (a telling tidbit?) but a quick email with attached 
photo quickly established the state of affairs: the Pittsburgh H3 is in 
possession of the Hillbilly vessel. 

Not much happened over the next few months...an odd email perhaps...a 
photo of the vessel in a not-to-be-missed position...the usual.  At some 
point, however, it was established that the Hillbillies would be at 
Holidaze (an annual winter campout weekend in Western NY), as would be 
members of PGH H3.  Expectations were set...

Flash forward to this weekend...Dick Tracy (of Eerie H3 fame) has just 
finished running a short (by Dick! standards) circle and the party is in 
full swing.  The only detail: there was no "lost and found" down-down.  
Well, not to let things linger, it wasn't 15 minutes before a half-naked 
Pelvis Chestley (PGH's GM) and I called over the only Hillbilly in 
sight: Danny Bonadouchebag.  Pelvis had been dancing with some other 
near-naked co-ed on top of a bench, which turned out to be the perfect 
place from which to administer an appropriately sized down-down and get 
rid of yet another hash artifact that had ended up at PGH H3. 

This all sounds normal, right?  Maybe even a little boring.  PGH H3 
stole a vessel, they gave it back, blah blah blah.

Yeah, I know, this stuff happens all the time at hashes, but this is 
where things started to get a little more interesting, and, well, its 
always good to set the record straight.  You see, every Hillbilly hasher 
wears a dog collar, and since we didn't want them to lose their vessel 
again, we thoughtfully attached a 3 foot (~1 meter for you Canucks and 
International types) length of chain to their vessel, complete with 
carabiner on the end for ease of attaching it.  Danny hardly blinked at 
this (although it took him 4 or 5 tries to finish the down-down) and we 
were finally free of our obligation.

Fast forward to the next morning and Finger Food, a PGH hasher who was 
nice enough to grill some amazing "meat-on-a-stick" for the hash on 
Friday night, sees his charcoal grill ... just an ordinary charcoal 
grill (borrowed from a non-hasher, in fact), packed into the back of 
someone else's car, sitting there in plain sight. It is, surprise, 
surprise, the Hillbilly hash vehicle.  Finger Food, having no intention 
of losing his borrowed grill, checks the trunk only to find it unlocked: 
nice.  He quickly removes his grill and as he's closing the trunk (as 
stealthily as possible, because he wants to get his grill the hell out 
of there) notices that the Hillbilly hash vessel is sitting right there, 
in plain sight, under where his grill was.

Hmm....what do you think happened next, gentle beer-pounding, mud 
encrusted hashers?

It was about 20 minutes later that the Hillbillies noticed their vessel 
was gone from their trunk, and the melee began.  First it was "You stole 
our vessel from our trunk!", then it was them trying to find their 
vessel in our cars, followed by a mad scramble for keys which were in 
turn tossed, shoved down pants, held above heads, dropped on the ice, 
and deftly kicked away with hockey sticks.  A play was made for the PGH 
Slap Shot stick, but that too failed as Douchebag fell on his ass on the 
slick ice (seconds after Sour Snatch aborted due to a prescient 
knowledge of the dangers inherent in such a surface).

In the end, the Hillbillies left with a toaster which they stole from a 
Decoc hasher staying in the same cabin as us (the unstoppable Rusty 
Prick).  Why steal from a Dayton based hasher, and steal his toaster, no 
less?  You've got me...  Seconds after they pulled away, however, he was 
heard to mutter "That toaster was a small price to pay to get rid of 
Douchebag..." and all was well in the Hashing Universe.

So that was our Sunday morning.  I, for one, am a bit tired of this 
recent bout of jockeying for hash gear, but at the end of the day, who 
cares.  C Fuck Run still has a Blue Hen H3 mug of mine and every 6 
months or so he taunts me by sending me a text message asking what my 
address is so he can send it to me.  It has yet to arrive.  (But it's on 
his bedside table, so that means the urine has presumably been cleaned 
out of it...if it was ever pissed in to begin with...so that's 
something).  But seriously, stealing a toaster?  Or a charcoal grill?  
Fucking Hillbillies!*

So....anybody looking for a new hash vessel?  I know a guy...he said 
he's got one that fell off a truck.  Almost new, comes with a leash for 
easy handling.  Email me for more info...

   Fuk Stk
   GM Emeritus, Blue Hen H3
   General Bastard and Drinker, Pittsburgh H3

* Said with complete love and affection.

(cross posted to hillbilly h3 and holidaze on Hashspace, and Pgh-discuss)

"You realists can stay the hell out of our office."  - David Dudas

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